Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
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There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Extremely relatable.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?