#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
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12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Please do it!
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
This cat wants you to take your pills
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
“That’s what” – She
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me: