My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
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The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
He a real one for that
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands