if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
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If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
when someone rings the doorbell
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires