well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her