(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
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If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.