5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
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When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce