[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
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People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything