My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
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Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”