It’s actually Dr. whatever
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When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
If you had more money you’d be happier.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd