Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
You Might Also Like
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me