Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
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There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
The honesty is refreshing
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
just leave it at the foot of the bed
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Yup
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.