Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
You Might Also Like
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.