Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
You Might Also Like
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
We found love in a hopeless place.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished