The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.