I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
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[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.