GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
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Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
hmmm
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Chemical wingman
United Steaks of America
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
then why did i get this email
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.