when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
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17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
my professor scared me for a second
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Seek kebab; not attention
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
The “research” scene in every horror movie
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.