After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
You Might Also Like
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.