Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
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corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Spotted in New Orleans.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online