Noah
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To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
How does one answer this?
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.