i hope my email finds you on fire
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A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Accurate
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh