No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
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Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Well, that should do it
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Two types of dogs.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I’d hang this in my house.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.