creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
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I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
She puts the hot in psychotic
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
real
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.