CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
You Might Also Like
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Close call…
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*