I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
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baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
“you recording!?”