I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
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[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
He just like my cat fr
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Buck naked
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
lost dog
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile