*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
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I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
good work, everybody
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Cndnsd Mlk
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes