I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
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Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation