HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
You Might Also Like
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit