the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
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To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Wait a minute…
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.