Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
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*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.