Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
You Might Also Like
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
When you’re Kinky but poor
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
.. do you even science?
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.