British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
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RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!