This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*