my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
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Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.