I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
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Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol