Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
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Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”