*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why