[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
You Might Also Like
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF