Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
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Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.