“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
You Might Also Like
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
How wrong was this guy?
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.