We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
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“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table