Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
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*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent