*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
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My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
getting old is fun
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME