“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
You Might Also Like
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago