Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
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*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.