Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
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I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake