Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
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Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.