I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
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if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.